A return to love – finding joy in grief – April 2023

I am writing this very personal post the day after our beloved father passed away, in part to help process this life changing event, but also to tell the story of his magnificent return to the light. For those of you who have been through the loss of a loved one, it can certainly be a roller coaster of emotions as the demands, decisions the caretaking wrapped up with the child/parent dynamic of guilt (on my part being so far away). Supporting from afar, my sister and I tried to shore up my brother who had the worst of it all, being the only child in the same country as our sick, suffering, grieving father.

My Dad suffered a lot of trauma with a difficult childhood, born with a mixed up identity in war time South Africa, and the racist, apartheid era that followed, somehow had him living in a white neighbourhood but the sole child in his family going to a mixed race school as his ID card was non-white. Attacks came from all angles – the ‘darkies’ who called him ‘whitey’ and his white neighbours not accepting him.  A real sense of being outcast and not belonging, this was compounded by being sent away from home to live in a city miles away with distant, cruel relatives. My Dad often told us, we had no idea of what he went through, and I know we don’t.

However this feeling of his lack of love, his abandonment, his lack of belonging was an unresolved trauma, never dealt with A common story for many other children growing up in war zones or poverty stricken countries and still today in so many parts of the world.  My Dad’s anger and his struggle to show love definitely impacted us three children. Whilst we knew we were loved and our childhood was filled with sunshine and laughter, my brother (the eldest) suffered the most with my Dad’s explosive temper and unreasonably strict rules instilled on a sweet innocent boy doing his best.

After we lost our Mom (his wife of 65 years), my Dad’s grief was one of extreme panic and fear and he was diagnosed with terminal oesophagus cancer, the symptoms of which he had ignored whilst nursing our mom.  I flew out to help him a couple of months later fearing we were losing him as he was admitted to ICU.  He recovered with great strength, my Dad has an extremely strong constitution.  My brother and I spent the week packing up their home to admit him into the frail care facility in the retirement complex in which they lived.  My Parents purposely chose this to allow them the option of wonderful care in their later years, should they need it.

My Dad become really angry and verbally abusive that week (as old age, sickness or dementia can do) and he yelled that us kids were trying to “put him away”. His extreme need to continue to have control over his life and his inability to express this in a kind caring way had me feeling really hurt and confused, wondering why I bothered making the mega long flights from Barbados with my busy work life and other sacrifices to do my best to support him.

We understood my Dad’s wishes to stay in his house as long as possible and ‘round-the-clock’ carers were arranged and my brother sorted all the day to day groceries, medical care etc.

As my Dads health declined so did his temperament.  He was more and more angry and abusive towards my bother who lives in Cape Town and was flying up to Johannesburg during his stressful work week to do his best to ensure my Dad’s supreme level of comfort and ensuring all his needs were taken care of.

However this is not the gist or purpose of this blog.

The Power of the Holy Spirit and the power of love and prayer and acceptance of God into ones life which is ultimately how my Dad finally passed away peacefully.

Duality exists in this real world on our planet every day, good and evil. People choosing the dark side, the power, the greed, the anger, the abuse, the jealousy, the envy.

We are all born sinners and we know this, but with a pure heart and the right intention we can choose prayer, love, compassion, turn to Spirit to repent and redeem ourselves and by the grace of God miracles abound!

My Dad ended up in hospice a couple of weeks ago and we thought he would be really close to the end but instead he went from strength to strength causing unbelievable destruction and terror along the way. We were told he was the most demanding patient the hospice or frail care had ever experienced.

We were desperate to try and find the loving man we knew he was – fearing our last memories would be of this unrecognisable tyrant. I reached out to my brother, Dave, who was at his wits ends a few nights ago, and I suggested I do a “soul fragment healing” which is what we do in Theta healing to release the connections and chords which are often residual in a trauma connected relationships.

As I tapped into my Dad, I began to see so many dark entities in his auric field. I spent time clearing these awful demonic creatures and sending them to the light. I told my siblings the story and my sister Sandy supported this quest to turn him back to God, after he had renounced his Faith a few weeks before. Sandy prayed and called him to implore him to choose love and to leave a legacy of loving kindness not the tyrannical abusive father he had become, driving his closest away from him.

Dave visited him the next day and describes it as nothing short of a miracle. My Dad was a transformed person, and repented and told our brother how much he loved him. The visit resulted in tears of joy and relief on both sides.

One day later, cleared of these dark and controlling energies, my Dad got what he wanted, and peacefully passed away. He is now in the arms of angels and our Mom, the love of his life, reunited and eternally dancing amongst the stars and sending their three children the greatest gift they could.

When I studied Theta healing, I did so as I knew of the miraculous way it helps us channel God’s healing, but I did not know just what an impact it would have in changing the course of our family’s story. This has enabled us to turn the sadness and darkness of our father’s decline, into a joyful and wondrous testimony to the Power of God.