Humans, our egos, women, our misplaced need for perfection…
Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves?
To overachieve. To overperform. To constantly improve. To somehow manage to age with grace and wisdom, but still look younger. We are bombarded by images of celebrities, models, influencers, and even the woman next door who seems to have it all together.
We spend money on make up, treatments, procedures and surgeries in an attempt to slow down a completely natural process.
And yet, despite human evolution and all our wisdom, all our years of healing, self-discovery and personal growth, we can still be so fragile. We want to be loved. We want to be held. We want to feel enough.
And yet, courageously, we continue to put ourselves out there, knowing we may be judged, misunderstood or criticized.
Or is that just me?
I’ve been in the fitness and wellness industry for over 35 years. I’ve done my best to live a balanced life, continually studying nutrition, fitness and wellness, and exploring spiritual healing through my own introspection and the desire to understand why I seemed to find myself in such challenging relationships.
I’ve worked hard. I’ve tried to be the best mother I could be to two by the way pretty amazing kids, who are now incredible adults with children of their own. And for that, I am immensely proud.
But let’s talk about balance.
And particularly, this summer.
Many of you know that I am still in the middle of a decade-long divorce in Barbados, hoping for a fair resolution and move forward into a fresh chapter of my life.
For a number of reasons, that hasn’t happened yet.
Living on the same property as my ex and his girlfriend, under acrimonious circumstances, has obviously been stressful. There have been days when the weight of it all has felt incredibly heavy.
And yet, I consciously choose gratitude.
Because I live on this beautiful island. I have my health. I have work that I love. I have healthy, happy children and grandchildren.
And most mornings, I wake up to the lullaby of birds excitedly chirping into a new day. I open my shutters and see the palm trees swaying gently in the breeze, while the sky begins its daily masterpiece of soft, glowing hues as the sun slowly rises.
How could I not be grateful?
So, back to this summer and the subject of balance.
I consciously decided that, after so much heaviness in my life, I was going to have a fun, frivolous, slightly indulgent summer.
A few friends came to the island and we organized some wonderful adventures.
We love a good “sip ’n dip” sunset cocktails, feet in the sand, bobbing around in the beautiful Caribbean sea, and having those wonderfully girlie conversations where we solve all the world’s problems with philosophical brilliance… followed by completely ridiculous giggles.
There were lunches. Dinners. Cocktails.
We even tried a pole-dancing class, which involved a lot of laughter, questionable technique and swaggering confidence as we attempted our best evocative moves.
And you know what?
I overindulged.
There. I said it.
I preach fitness and, for the most part, live a very disciplined life. I teach my classes, eat well and take care of myself, with the occasional weekend socializing and yes a little wine. Well this summer ‘a little’ extended to ‘a little more’!
But honestly? Life is too short, in my opinion, not to occasionally break up the monotony with a few cheeky nights of fun.
Then suddenly… summer was over.
I had gained the proverbial five pounds. I don’t usually weigh myself, but I could feel it, so I stepped on the scale. There it was.
And at 5’3”, short-waisted and menopausal, those five pounds don’t exactly distribute themselves evenly. Nope. They head straight for the middle.
Ahhh… the joys of midlife.
Over the past few months, I’ve also been working and teaching at Boho Beautiful Studio here in Barbados, and I’ve had the absolute honour of having several of my Sculpt and Barre classes recorded for their incredible app.
Then came the exciting request: Would I record a few classes on the beach?
How exciting! What an honour. So, of course, I said yes and I loved it.
Despite the heat. Despite the September sun absolutely scorching down, despite the fact that hair and makeup were never going to survive.
And then I saw myself on camera.
Hello, cringing jelly belly.
There it was. Jiggling around for the world to see. And suddenly, I found myself obsessing.
How would I look? Would people judge me? How could I possibly be out there preaching my amazing classes and encouraging people to get strong and healthy when I looked like… well… someone in her 60s?
How dare I look my age? Healthy. Strong. Fit. But not perfect.
And therein lies the lesson I have been trying to learn for many years.
We are not perfect. We are human. We do our best.
I am not genetically gifted with a naturally tiny, lean frame. I have had to work for my strength. I have had to build muscle. I am definitely not a natural mesomorph. But I am strong, my workouts are tough! My body has carried me through 63 years of life, motherhood, heartbreak, healing, work, stress, joy, laughter and everything in between.
And let’s be honest…
Who at 63 is teaching a full schedule of 8 or 9 classes a week, then filming another 10 classes over the course of a week?
It was gruelling. It was challenging.
There were moments when I wondered where I was going to find the energy. But I rose to the challenge, I showed up.
I sweated, I pushed. And when I thought I had nothing left to give, somehow, I gave a little more.
And that, right there, is the lesson.
I am not proud because I looked perfect. I am proud because I showed up. I am proud of what I accomplished.
I am proud of this body that continues to carry me, teach, move, sweat, laugh, dance and live.
And I am incredibly grateful to Boho Beautiful for this opportunity, to have so many of my classes shared with hundreds of thousands of people around the world, such an honor.
And by the way…
Those extra five pounds? They’re gone now. Of course.
Just in time for when I’m NOT being filmed.
Oh God… you really do have a sense of humour.
So, I’m choosing to take my focus off the few extra pounds that came and went. Instead, I’m choosing gratitude.
For my health, my strength, my family, my friends, my work. And for this beautiful island.
And for the privilege of doing work that I truly believe is part of my life purpose. Maybe balance isn’t about getting everything right.
Maybe balance is about knowing when to work hard and when to have the cocktail.
When to push and when to play.
When to discipline ourselves and when to let go.
And perhaps most importantly, learning to look at ourselves with the same compassion we so freely give to everyone else.
We are human.
We are changing.
We are ageing.
We are growing.
We are imperfect.
And we are still absolutely, wonderfully enough.